


the inconvenient convenience store robbery

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: All the time, Iwa-chan just wanted some money, Kunimi wants his break, M/M, Oikawa is crying, a robbery gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 01:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7555372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kunimi's too lazy to deal with the robber, and Oikawa's too scared. Iwaizumi's regretting not robbing the Seven Eleven instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the inconvenient convenience store robbery

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired from this video. Check it out, it's hilarious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXZBOcC6JzE

Kunimi stretched. “Ahh, I’m so bored.”

Oikawa smiled sympathetically, putting the last of the water bottles into the cooler. “Yeah, graveyard shifts are really boring.”

“Hey, Boss?”

“Yeah?”

Kunimi took a rubber snake from under the counter and swung it in the air. “A SNAKE, LOOK, A SNAKE!”

Oikawa let out a girly scream and fell to the ground, cowering. His junior chuckled. He tucked it back under the counter. “You get startled so easily.”

“Don’t _do_ that, you brat!” Oikawa whined. “I’m going to be jumpy for another hour if you do, god damn it. I have to go check on some documents, so I’ll be in the backroom. Think you can handle the counter by yourself?”

Kunimi shrugged. “It’s, like, three in the morning. I can probably handle the rush.”

“The sarcasm is so cold, Kuni-chan!” Oikawa skipped into the storage area. Kunimi sighed and looked back at his phone.

Oikawa peeked from the room and sneaked behind the other, before letting out a sudden bellow, meaning to startle him. Kunimi looked over his shoulder with sleepy eyes. “Oh, that doesn’t scare me.”

Oikawa took a step back, miffed. “Oh, really? Oh. Um. Okay.”

He disappeared into the back room.

The door let out a small beep as it slid open, and a large, burly man wearing a black sweatshirt walked in swiftly. He took out a knife from his pocket and brandished it, glaring.

“Oi, hand over your cash!” he snapped, pointing to the cash register with his blade. “Hand over your cash, do it now. Do it now or I’ll kill you!”

Kunimi stared at him, uninterested.

The robber visibly bristled. Even under the baggy sweatshirt, his powerful muscles rippled visibly. “What are you doing, just standing there? Give me all your damn money! And put down that phone!”

Kunimi put down his phone and shrugged. “Well, uh…”

“What the fuck do you mean, ‘Well, uh’? Give me your damn money! Hand over the fucking cash!” 

The knife blade came closer threateningly and Kunimi reached out with an almost bored hand to touch the tip of it. “Be careful with that—”

The robber snatched the knife back. “What—what the fuck are you doing? I’ll FUCKING KILL YOU!”

“Ah,” Kunimi sighed.

The robber froze, before yelling, “I’LL FUCKING MURDER YOU IF YOU DON’T HAND OVER YOUR CASH!”

“Well, that’s no good.” Kunimi reached for a magazine.

“What the—drop the magazine! I’ll cut you to pieces!”

“That’d suck.”

The robber let out a frustrated grumble before snapping, “I don’t care, give me your damn cash!”

There was a girlish shriek as Oikawa walked in from the back room. He fell to the linoleum of the convenience floor, screaming. “OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING FUCKER OF A SHIT OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT FUCK SHITFUCK FUCKING MOTHER OF SHITTY FUCK FUCK OH MY GOD! AHHHH! AHHHHHH! AAAAARGHH! AAAAAAAAH! AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH! OHHH MY GOD! FUCK! Oh my god, oh my—AAAAAAAH!”

As Oikawa continued screaming the robber quirked an eyebrow at Kunimi. “Who’s this guy?”

“The brave and fearless manager.”

He whipped around and pointed the knife at Oikawa. “ARE YOU THE MANAGER?! HURRY UP AND GIVE ME CASH!”

Oikawa kept screaming, quivering on the floor. “AAAHHHHHHHGGGGG! MOTHER OF FUCKING AHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHH MY GOD AHHHHHHH!”

“LISTEN—LISTEN TO ME, GO TO THE REGISTER AND—”

“AAAAAAH! AHHHHH! OHHHHH MY GOD, OHHHH OHHHH-AAAHHHHH AHHHH! AHHHH! NONONONONONONONO AHHHH!”

“I JUST NEED CASH,THE FASTER YOU GIVE ME MONEY THE FASTER I—”

“PLEASE JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN AND GOD PLEASE NO I CAN’T NO I FUCK MOTHER AHHHH!”

“THE FASTER YOU—“

“NOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“THE FAST—”

“PLEASE, NO, I CAN’T OH MY GOD PLEASE OH MY FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK NO I CAN’T FUCKING OH MY GOD OOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“ _SHUT THE FUCK UP_!” The robber turned back to Kunimi, looking murderous. “I really can’t get through to that fucking guy! You, hand over the money!”

“Well…”

He turned to Oikawa. “Money!”

“AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH!”

Kunimi. “Give me all your cash!”

“Nah…”

Oikawa. “Cash!”

“AAAAARGH HOLY SON OF ALL THINGS UNHOLY MURDER ME I CAN’T GOD MAY SMITE ME I FUCKING CANNOT AHHHHH OHHHH MY GOD AHHHHHH!”

“What the hell is wrong with you two?!” the robber demanded. He rubbed his temples. “Is there no one sane in this establishment?”

Kunimi looked pissed. “What’s your problem?”

“Are you mad or something?” the robber asked in disbelief, running his hands through his porcupine hair.

“Well, it’s actually time for my break, so…”

“You think I GIVE a damn?” the robber bellowed. “This is a robbery, you know?!”

“Uh huh.”

The robber’s face went completely red. “ACT FUCKING SCARED.”

“Too much effort.”

“BE SCARED.”

“Eh.”

“SCARED!” He jerked the knife at Kunimi.

He reached to touch the tip of the blade again, “hey be careful with that—”

It was hastily retracted. “Don’t touch the fucking knife! Do you know what a robbery is?! I could kill you! Be scared!”

“…Nah.”

The robber threw his arms up like a bear and screamed, “ROOOOOOAAAAR!”

Oikawa started sobbing, grabbing a family size bag of chips and hugging it close to him like a pillow. “I can’t… oh my god, it came out, it came out.”

“What came out?” the robber asked in disbelief. “Wow, that guy is really freaking out.”

Kunimi snickered mockingly. “‘Roar?’”

The robber blushed. “Shut up, that wasn’t the point!”

“‘Roooooooar,’” Kunimi repeated, still chuckling quietly. He bowed. “Well, I’ll be going on my break now—”

The robber waved his knife. “The hell you are, get back!”

“What’s your problem?” Kunimi moaned, slumping in his seat at the counter.

“The minute you leave, you’re obviously going to call the police!”

Kunimi stared at him in the eyes, bored. “No I won’t.”

The robber stared back before exploding. “YOU _SHOULD_! IT’S YOUR _CHANCE_!” He calmed down, rubbing his temples again. “You should _really_ act more scared during a scary robbery like this, damn it!”

He blinked. “I’m not scared.”

“You SHOULD BE.” He pointed to Oikawa, who dutifully screamed again. “Look at this guy! He’s a little overdoing it, but he’s scared!”

Kunimi slapped the top of the register and started giggling. “Oikawa-san is always such a scaredy-cat, it’s hilarious. Look.” He reached under the counter and threw a rubber snake at his boss. “Oikawa-san! It’s a snake!”

“OH MY FUCKING GOD A SNAKE AHHHHHHH!” Oikawa screamed, so pale and so scared that he was on the bridge of both vomiting and passing out.

The robber grabbed the snake and flung it into aisle 7, where the dairy products were. “Don’t do shit like that to your poor boss!” He turned to Oikawa and tried talking to him. “Are you okay? Do you need medical—”

“AHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AAAAAHH! OHHH MY GOD AHHHHHH!”

“Are you—”

“AAAAAAAH AAHHH AAAAAAAAAAH!”

The robber looked down at his hand and gestured to the knife. “Is this what you’re scared of? Is this what’s scaring you?”

Oikawa cried, large tears streaming down his cheeks, but he managed to nod.

“Okay, look, I put down the knife,” he said, setting it down onto the countertop. “I’m knifeless, see? My name’s Iwaizumi, are you okay? Look, nothing! Nothing in my hands!”

Oikawa sniffled, trying to stop shaking. He nodded once, as though a child. He still let out tiny shrieks and whimpers under his breath.

“It’s all okay, just calm down and—”

Kunimi jumped from behind Iwaizumi in front of Oikawa, waving the knife. “Hands up! This is an armed robbery!”

“AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!”

Kunimi giggled, jokingly jabbing the knife in Oikawa's air, turning his boss ten shades paler.

“What the—give that back!” Iwaizumi yelled, snatching the knife away from Kunimi, who gave it up with another chuckle.

He leaned down to Oikawa again, the blade tucked into the wooden handle and stored into his back pocket. “You alright there? Do you need some cocoa? Do you need some hot chocolate? There’s a Starbucks not too far from here, I’ll take you.”

Oikawa nodded, sniffling. “Yes, please. Kunimi, try to manage the— _hic_ —counter, okay?”

“But it’s my break,” he whined.

“FUCKING SUCK IT UP!” Iwaizumi screamed, before once again comforting the hyperventilating Oikawa. The two men left the store and Kunimi frowned, picking his phone up and opening Pokemon Go.


End file.
